Why do I feel like if I do something, I have to be good at it. Like I have to pick one thing to be good at, and I have to be AMAZING. For example, I really want to get good at oil painting portraits, but as of right now I also want to go to Yale and work with Space Exploration. So if I wanted to go to space, I can’t waste my time doing something that I’m not even good at, that I can’t make good money doing. You know? It’s like ahhhhhhhh. I would LOVE to go to art school, but as a fifteen year old, it’s too late to start making art and make it into a good school you know?
I want to do all of these things, but I don’t have the time in one life. And I certainly don’t have the time to get good enough at any of them so I can make it into a college that will care. I feel like if I make art, I have to have an art youtube channel, or I have to have an instagram page, and more importantly, other people have to LIKE it. I also feel like I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself, studying for the SATs two years early during my Lunch band for a school that I don’t even know if I want to pursue later.
I also feel a lot of pressure coming from my grandparents, particularly my grandpas. I feel like there’s lots of doubt coming from them, a lot of anti-smart female vibes. Like since I’m a girl, I’ll never be as smart as I could be if I was a boy. I see it in the way they talk to my mom and my sister. My mom is training to be a therapist, and you would think that’s a perfectly respectable job in their eyes but no. It’s a very ‘feminine’ or ‘fragile’ career to pursue. And then there’s my sister. She goes to art school. The art school has a 31% acceptance rate, so you would think that would mean something to them. But it’s more like “oh, there’s another female who can hold a pencil and make good lines. Too bad she isn’t doing anything important with her life.” And I feel like it’s my job as the other female of the family to prove to them that girls can do powerful things that actually matter. I’ll admit, that’s why I want to get into the Air Force Academy so bad, because it made me look tough. But I’m tired of letting a stupid old man’s opinion of what I choose to do with MY life control my options. But will I change? No. Because I feel like I have to make up for all the years of cooking and cleaning they expect me to do. I just feel like I’ll never be enough. And even after they’re dead, I’m going to feel like I have to prove something to them.
I would like to start off by saying all my work is submitted and finished for the quarter, in other words hell has subsided for three weeks.
I would also like to say my ‘b’ key has been acting difficult and I can’t seem to find a way to clean out from under it.
I had an awful dream last night that I was a part of this super-christian charlie’s-angels type gang. And I was trying to explain to one of the girls that you are allowed to have friends that are guys, and it’s okay if a girl likes another girl, and all that shit. It was super hard and I remember her transforming into my old neighbor at one point and his older sister started flirting with a married man. GAH
I have this wonderful book idea. (yes, another one) And if you steal my idea, that’s okay because the probability of your version and my version being identical is slim. Very slim. But I would appreciate it if you credited me and all that.
Ahem. So. What if there is this girl. And she’s scared of commitment. So all the relationships she’s ever had have been one night stands or friends with benefits or whatever. She has set boundaries of course, she’s not just gonna sleep with a guy she met that day, but nonetheless, she had earned herself the name “slut”. But in her mind, she’s not a slut. She’s just someone who doesn’t do commitment. She just doesn’t like dates. Anyways, it doesn’t end with her finding the perfect guy and settling down, so that’s important. But what the whole book is trying to shine light on the reasons why we think people are ‘sluts’ and how being a ‘slut’ isn’t always driven by something bad. For example; sex addiction, or escaping from life type shit. It’s really about this girl who knows herself well enough to say “I can’t do commitment and that’s okay” Obviously, she never finds love, but that’s also okay because she learns that you don’t need the concept of a constant being by your side to feel loved.
I know it’s really something someone older should write. Perhaps I will when I have more experiences. But I think a book from that point of view would be really interesting. But of course, I’ll have to get really good at writing and stuff.
The thing about having a large project is, you have to do work when you really don’t want to, so it’s easier to finish when your so done with work and having a mental breakdown because you hate being forced to do useless things.
Also I have several giant school projects due by the end of this week. My highschool is a project-based school, which basically means, we don’t take tests and we have one major project per class due once a quarter, and it’s worth 40% of our grade. It’s VERY high pressure and let me just tell you…
HUGE DISCLAIMER: I did not edit any of the following you’re about to read. You know what that means? No you don’t because that’s the point, my writing is just a dump of my thoughts. You won’t understand it. But if you’re bored or if for some reason you have a lot of brain capacity at the moment, go ahead and read on. THANK YOU!!!
I prefer to think I’m an interesting person. I mean, who doesn’t want to think they’re cool?
But what makes someone cool? I don’t know. And personally I like someone who is subtly unique. What I mean is, someone who seems ‘normal’ but when you take a closer look, they are wildly unique. Allow me explain the benifits of knowing a subtly unique person.
they don’t come off as overbearing, scary, or uncontainable. Their unique-ness is much more bite-sized
they usually think crazy. Their ideas might come across as insane, but don’t worry, they thought it through…in their own way. Which could possibly mean they didn’t think it through at all.
All my friends are like this. And all my friends are so much different from one another. I can’t stand the idea of hanging out with similar people. Like why!? Save room in your brain and only have one friend at that point.
One of my friends is actually psychotic. Don’t take ANYTHING they say seriously, because goodness knows they live on another planet and the things they say are just…
Another one of my friends is SUPER lowkey. But they have EVERY second planned out to the T. Nothing gets by them. EVER
Another can tell you everything you don’t want to know about every animal ever recorded in a National Geographic. It’s less of a way of thinking and more just cool…I guess.
Another will kill.
Another falls in love twenty times a day. They are mentally unable of thinking anything wrong of anyone. As soon as they see someone, they’ll tell you they’re in love. Because they are. They’re in love with everyone.
You see? These are SUBTLY unique people. Of course, it’s impossible to explain the complexity of a human personality in a blog, written under 30 mins, but the overarching point is, make friends with strange people. Please. You’ll never figure them out. But that’s the point.
I got my homework done early today and I decided to watch someone youtube. There is this one influencer who goes around to different cities of the world and asks super personal questions to random people on the street. Today’s topic was “Tell me about your first love” and it was crazy how people lit up, they smiled and they described their first loves like sunsets, like coming home, like a safe feeling. It was so fun to watch, I felt like they were all radiating this next-level happiness, I could feel it even through my screen.
It also made me feel super sad. Because I’ve never felt like that. I know I’m only fifteen but what if I want to feel love? Is that too much to ask from so young a person?
wants to be super mysterious and closed off and they other part of me if like “that’s really boring, I’ll have no friends plus it’s much more interesting if you tell every single person you know your deepest darkest secrets” This is a problem. Because now everyone knows everything. But then do none of them know anything??? Maybe I am mysterious after all…..
I feel like everyone WANTS to be a part of something, everyone wants to get together with people and just have a good time, I mean, people thrive on human interaction, and we want to have a good time. But I ALSO feel like no one actually is willing to putin the time/effort to make those plans. Why? because we fear being rejected, or stood up, and it’s something we try to avoid. Unfortunately, this causes us to avoid human interaction altogether.
So I think my new years resolution(even though it’s only Oct. 31st) is to throw more parties, more get togethers, more movie nights WHATEVER. because it’s fun. And if you want friends, you have to make a friendship. And you don’t make a friendship by secretly wishing you knew someone better. Just saying.
So I did that today, I came up with a plan to get a bunch of people together, and it was FUN. So that’s greaaaat. Yaya.
Fun fact of the night: My sister is literally the most GORGEOUS person on the planet.
HEYYYYY WHAT DO YOU DO IF LIKE, YOUR BEST FRIEND HAS LIKE SEVEN CRUSHES AND YOU LIKE ONE OF THEM. Just cause she has tons of crushes, won’t make her feelings any less valid if she finds out that I’ve been flirting with one of them all week. I hate to be selfish like this butttttt she likes soooooo many guyssss am I allowed to just like ONE of them?????? Goddamnit. In a way, it’s really annoying, she talks about all of these boys and I’m just dying inside because one of them I’ve been flirting with. And if she finds out she’s just going to feel like she has to be defensive and ‘take him’ from me. ahhhhhhhh This is some middle school shit yo. She can’t get mad if shes always Admiring from afar, of ALL these guys, and one of the gets taken. It’s like she marks her scent of ALL these dudes, almost as if to keep me from taking them. Like I only like ONE of them!!!! I’m not taking all her chances at having a boyfriend. AHHH i’m such a terrible person. I guess I’ll just continue to suppress all my feelings. Cause friendship is more important right? I shouldn’t even be TALKING to this guy for crying out loud.