Sitting on my bed, hours of work ahead of me, my spine aches from the stress. I recently started noticing where I hold my stress. Yes, my shoulders, but also my right side of my back as well as the bottoms of my eye sockets. Like it feels like someone poured lead sand into my eye sockets of my skull.
I’m so stressed I’m paralyzed. It’s all up there, the things I need to do, like a dense fog that’s cut into squares like jello and then stacked. The whole thing mimics being organized. The problem is the stack is so high and none of the blocks aren’t labeled so I keep picking them up at random and try to navigate through the fog until I stop. With seemingly no progress whatsoever. The only thing I do is spread the fog around.
My mom is disappointed in me, I can tell. Although she would deny the word “disappointed” I can tell that she doesn’t quite understand why I don’t simply put my mind to it and finish my work. I have a lot of respect for her. She can get almost anything done, I’ve seen her write ten page essays in the span of a weekend. Final draft and all. My dad is similar. He gets angry when people don’t finish their work by deadlines. I’m starting to wonder if my behavior is a ‘because I’m depressed thing’ or ‘because I’m young and dont have my priorities sorted out’ thing.
Thanks for reading my words that I wrote for no reason other than I’m trying to understand my mental state and maybe words will help?