This Hurts Me

Why do I feel like if I do something, I have to be good at it. Like I have to pick one thing to be good at, and I have to be AMAZING. For example, I really want to get good at oil painting portraits, but as of right now I also want to go to Yale and work with Space Exploration. So if I wanted to go to space, I can’t waste my time doing something that I’m not even good at, that I can’t make good money doing. You know? It’s like ahhhhhhhh. I would LOVE to go to art school, but as a fifteen year old, it’s too late to start making art and make it into a good school you know?

I want to do all of these things, but I don’t have the time in one life. And I certainly don’t have the time to get good enough at any of them so I can make it into a college that will care. I feel like if I make art, I have to have an art youtube channel, or I have to have an instagram page, and more importantly, other people have to LIKE it. I also feel like I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself, studying for the SATs two years early during my Lunch band for a school that I don’t even know if I want to pursue later.

I also feel a lot of pressure coming from my grandparents, particularly my grandpas. I feel like there’s lots of doubt coming from them, a lot of anti-smart female vibes. Like since I’m a girl, I’ll never be as smart as I could be if I was a boy. I see it in the way they talk to my mom and my sister. My mom is training to be a therapist, and you would think that’s a perfectly respectable job in their eyes but no. It’s a very ‘feminine’ or ‘fragile’ career to pursue. And then there’s my sister. She goes to art school. The art school has a 31% acceptance rate, so you would think that would mean something to them. But it’s more like “oh, there’s another female who can hold a pencil and make good lines. Too bad she isn’t doing anything important with her life.” And I feel like it’s my job as the other female of the family to prove to them that girls can do powerful things that actually matter. I’ll admit, that’s why I want to get into the Air Force Academy so bad, because it made me look tough. But I’m tired of letting a stupid old man’s opinion of what I choose to do with MY life control my options. But will I change? No. Because I feel like I have to make up for all the years of cooking and cleaning they expect me to do. I just feel like I’ll never be enough. And even after they’re dead, I’m going to feel like I have to prove something to them.

Published by lornamusings

I write here when I delete all my social media and pretend I don’t exist. I’m a teenager who used to live on a beautiful farm by a creek tucked into the sweet aroma of Concord grapes. Now I live in a 15 story apartment complex above a dog park in Philadelphia.

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