I’m not the type of person to scream at my mom saying she doesn’t understand, in my case that is not necessarily true. Not because she was once my age, but because she is currently training to be a family therapist. If there is one person in this world who could understand me, it would be my own mom, fully educated on the tendencies of humans.
It came to my attention this past summer that my brain works in unusual ways. Now, I’m not claiming to be the only one who does this, because goodness knows there is no such thing as an original thought, but to get to the point; I subconsciously narrate things. Allow me to elaborate.
My brain works in the third person. I am Lorna, but I am also not. I exist but I also inhabit. I am two things. The way I think is split in two. It has feelings by lorna, words spoken by lorna, actions by lorna. But then there is the unspoken me. The unspoken me narrates everything. And yes, I mean everything. Everything everyone else does and says, everything I feel and do. In consequence to this method of thinking, it takes me a little bit to comprehend changes, or things people say, or my surroundings. Even now, as I type my brain subconsciously narrates that I’m typing and that I’m typing about me narrating my typing. It goes in circles, in spirals.
Everyone’s brain works differently, and we(humans) don’t exactly know why, It could be how we grew up, our environment, what we were exposed to in the womb, or our DNA. It’s probably another reason, one that we don’t understand yet. I wonder if we ever will. It’s weird thinking about, that there is an influence out there that we can’t comprehend, our imagination doesn’t stretch that far. It’s like handing a cell phone to a caveman. They would go insane. They would never be able to comprehend. But it fascinates me, even though we know nothing. Just the concept of the unknown, relating to the human brain, something we can touch physically, is facianting.
Let me get back to the point of this blog. My brain, as I briefly explained, works in unusual ways, I literally spell out words in my brain narrating everything. As a result, I not only take a long time to comprehend everything, but everything becomes much more severe too. Because I spell out all actions and emotions in my head, I have to have a simple term for all actions and feelings. This makes me simplify expressions and tones of voice wayyyy down. It can go from “he said” to “he scoffed” real quick. So from an outsider’s point of view, I can come off as dramatic, but in my head, I’m just acting accordingly. Make sense?
My next point is memories. Memories for me are more like reading a book and less like watching a movie. It takes longer for me to conjure up the full memory, and to “re-read” it. As opposed to just watching the memory “replay.” My brain is not good at multitasking. So if I’m “re-reading” a memory, I’m fully engaged and that’s all I can do, because it’s impossible for me to read a memory, AND narrate my current surroundings and feelings and actions at the same time. In consequence, I don’t read my memories much…partly because its hard for me to remember anything too. I mean do you have any idea how hard it is to read something you wrote years ago??? I mean, the handwriting is totally wack and there’s different vocabulary.
I hope this makes a snippet of sense.