A Coverup and a Truth

A Cover Up:

My parents decided that it would be a good idea to invite one of my dad’s business partners over for dinner, keep in mind that I would not be getting home until about 7:00, because I would be coming straight from a soccer game. Neither of my parents had told me about our guests so when I showed up at the front door with sweat still on my skin, I was not happy. Of course, I had to plaster on a good ole “HI! I’M LORNA IT’S SO GOOD TO MEET YOU!” ugh. I feel betrayed I mean, sure it wasn’t ideal, and the shower was right near the living room, BUT MY PARENTS COULDN’T GIVE ME ANY WARNING???

A Truth:

So, that’s not really why I’m in a bad mood tonight, it is a true story, my parents really did invite people over without any warning, but there’s more. About exactly a year ago today, I moved to Philadelphia PA, my now home. But formerly I lived in Erie PA. That place was everything to me. And in some aspects it still is. I think you should know that I have never moved before in my life and this was a dramatic change for me. now, rounding the one year anniversary of our move, my mind is starting to replay the things I miss most about my old home. I should tell you that even as a fifteen year old girl, I don’t cry. I dont cry all that often. Last time I cried it was April 29th, my birthday this past year. My grandfather had made a comment that threw me off, and I cried in frustration. But I haven’t cried since. And I’m trying not to break my streak. But guess what. I think I might.

You know that dull ache that grows super string and then you feel like you need to punch something? Or grab something really hard? Or maybe you need to scream, but you wouldn’t know what to say? But more than anything in the world you just want to go back. You want to back to the sidewalk where you learned how to rollerblade. You want to go back to your closest friend, the one who has been there since the beginning. The one who was your sisters best friend even before you were alive. You don’t want to fucking be here. You want to fucking leave. all you want is to smell the cool breeze of fall. It’s a very specific smell that you lack here, in some big ass city that isn’t your style. You want to break something. something that matters. something. anything. you just want to go home. Home to the place where your mom ran an CSA, and a farm, she was happier there, and you know it. But she’s here because your Dad got a job. and he didn’t want to be here alone. And You want to go back to the tiny crevice that functioned as a loft in your garage. You renovated the whole place with your brother and you just want to go back. And smell the earth the rain the leaves.

please

please just let me go home.

I just want to see the fucking leaves change.

I just want to smell the fucking wet leaves after it rains, with the air GODDAMNIT.

FUCKING SHIT BULL SHIT FUCK ALL OF THIS

Sure, Philly is cool but do you ever just want to GO

Go home? I want to go home. God PLEASE take me home please God please

Published by lornamusings

Just here cause I wanna be

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